I’m vulnerable and carrying a fair amount of fear in writing this blog. But it’s time. My blogs have all very much been prompted by God and this one is no exception. It’s just a lot more daunting to share now, at this point than any of the others. And while I’ve been writing it for the last six months, though God may be telling me I’m ready, I don’t feel ready. But I do have total trust in Him.
The other life journey I’m currently writing up is the story of my adoption and finding my biological parents but that journey is easy to write because I know how it all works out and that it has a happy ending. I’m writing it up from the position of having it all neatly wrapped and tied up in a beautiful bow. That’s not to say it wasn’t a hard, terrifying journey at the time filled with ups and downs and difficulties. But I’m on the other side and the grass is green.
This journey is vulnerable, raw and open and while I hope for a happy ending, it’s not a given. It seems so natural and effortless to many people to have children and excitedly bring new life into the world, creating a beautiful future generation. I have witnessed the beauty of many of my family and precious friends having babies and it is an honour and a privilege to watch these little children grow into amazing little people with their own personalities and thoughts. It is just my prayer and hearts desire that one day it will be us bringing life into our family and experiencing the joys (and challenges!) of parenthood ourselves.
It’s a journey that sometimes feels like a merry-go-round and sometimes feels like a roller coaster, that sometimes is full of faith, joy, hope, excitement and expectation and other times is full of doubt, disappointment, frustration and sadness.
We have been travelling this road for nearly eight years and I’ve spent the afternoon asking myself why now is the time to open up a little. I always think carefully about what I post and am intentional in the decisions I make and the reasons behind them. Besides the prompting from my Almighty God, which for me is reason enough, I do feel it’s a way of breaking through some things inside me and keeping myself in check (writing things down in words tends to help weed out the extreme crazy thoughts that you know are absurd but sometimes if left within you, can eat away and begin to cause all manner of mischief and destruction!) In addition to that, I have found that, at times, it can be a very lonely journey and in sharing a little of what’s going on, if it even helps one other person realise there are others who think the same, feel the same and understand, then it will be worth it.
Ultimately, it’s also the biggest opportunity to document a journey walked with God and it is my deepest and most fervent prayer that it brings testimony to the height and depths of God’s love, and glory to His mighty name. And therefore documented, to some degree, it shall be, despite the inner wrestle.